I don’t understand it

I don’t think I will ever understand.

What is it that I am missing?

Is it something I could easily find within myself, or elsewhere?



Waking up famished is not one of the greatest feelings. At the same time, that feeling of starvation is what drives the body to make a meal and satisfy hunger.

Thinking about it carefully, it’s a similar situation when you are in a poor state in your life. It’s not a good feeling being poor, sad, unwell. So get up (physically or emotionally, whatever the case may be); get up and make yourself a meal.

And for those of you who never wake up hungry….

well let’s just say you must not smell the bacon.


Image result for eggs and bacon hipster

Ever feel like you’re not in the right place?

As if, maybe you just don’t belong in this world altogether?

Has anybody ever considered the possibility of alternate realities, in which most of us were supposed to exist in, rather than the one we’re in now.

Unbeknownst to you, I typed this from a completely different universe.

As I sit and wonder…

As I sit and ponder what might become of this beautiful suffering and delicate little pale blue dot, anxiety slowly creeps its way into my heart not letting me pump enough blood to the rest of my organs. It slows down my process of processing the inevitable fate that we all share. I’ve got so many questions that we all need answers to. Are we going to make it? Is our planet going to kill us all? What can I do? WHAT CAN I DO in a world full of negligent, uneducated, uncaring people who go on about their days feeling unaffected by the magnitude of such horrors which are bestowed upon them by not just themselves, but their own government and companies. Companies which own everything and run everything, companies which use you, trick you, lie to you, companies that spy on you, use your information, sell it, make money off of you, companies that pay the government to betray you and allow you to be a victim. WHAT CAN YOU DO? WHAT CAN I DO? WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ALONE. We’d never be able to stop it alone. Sitting in a room, reading about it, hearing it on the T.V. We cannot do ANYTHING but sit and watch it happen while others are out fighting for a planet that isn’t even ours or theirs. Fighting for the right to live, for the right to a home which is habitable not just to you or me, but by the millions and billions of living creatures that are rapidly disappearing into non existence because of our stupidity and greed as a life form. Its truly disgusting. If I could end humanity with the push of a button, to preserve it all, the forests, the oceans, the animals. I would kick the shit out of that button. I would do it without hesitation or questions. We don’t deserve any of this beauty and grace. And it doesn’t deserve what we’ve done to it. We are nothing but a plague. Parasites on a host. We’re the garbage, the experiment gone wrong. Humanity, is a cursed word. Humanity is death.

It’s crazy…

It is crazy to believe that 17 years ago, it was the year 2000, it is crazy to think that 20 years ago it was March 7, 1996, only 7 months from October. I just learned that there are fiber optic cables in our ocean floors connecting countries, making it possible to browse each others domains, and making it possible for me to write this on a screen by typing, and being able to push a publish button sharing it with millions of people. Of course it isn’t likely millions, not even thousands of people might see this considering I’m not a very Continue reading “It’s crazy…”


It’s ringing loud. I can’t keep up with it, it’s so coarse to my internal listening. A question, I don’t seem to want to face.
Why don’t I call my father?

Do you think he’s better off without you?
Is it awkward?
Do you hold a grudge against him?
Is he a dead beat?
Does he love you?
Do you love him?

Not a good father figure?
Is he around in your life?
Who raised you.

Why don’t I call my father?
I don’t know, I’ve got no clue

No, it isn’t awkward.
Let’s not make this into no mopey hymn

No, he isn’t.
Is he dead?
Of what, from dread-?
Why are you like that?
Full-ness? Until I finally grew?
Does he love you?
Do you love him?
Out of it, stay out of it.
Was he ever in your life?
Life is short, so they say.
Not a good father figure?
How you figure?
Is he around in your life?
Who raised you.
Im sorry, but who’s asking who?


I was faced with a difficult decision tonight, today was my second class, and it went pretty smoothly considering it was related to my passion: Photography. (Which I still don’t believe I’m good at even though people tell me otherwise)

Tonight when I got home I realized that one of the eBooks I had purchased for my C.I.S. class actually did not come included with an access code for online work that is related to my course. Naturally, I started freaking out thinking FUCK, there goes $60 down the drain. Luckily Amazon.com provides full refunds of rented eBooks 7 days from the purchase date, but I had a hell of a hard time trying to return that damned book, for one, amazon says its refundable, yet when I go to manage my digital orders, there is no sign of a “refund/return.” So being the little researcher I am, I googled, searched their forum’s and sure enough, other people had the same problems, so I went through a hell of a lot to just return the damn thing, by chatting online with a representative. Anyways she was very helpful, but Amazon, come on, its almost like you want us to get stuck with eBooks and make a profit off of unsuspecting computer illiterate victims.

So after that and having come to the realization that “Access Codes” as referred to by these institutions we pay money to, so that they can teach us how to do things we can easily learn on YouTube or on any other part of the internet FOR FREE, JUST SO WE CAN GET A PIECE OF PAPER OR CERTIFICATE THAT QUALIFIES US TO BE SOMEBODY WITHIN SOCIETY, are only accessible from new unused books with unused access codes….

…thaaaaats when the stress started really kicking me in the nads. I’d be spending nearly $500 in total on all three classes, just for books, FOR BOOKS. That’s not including transportation costs, an extra materials the class might require surprisingly. It was all just starting to really get to me for a quick 10 minutes that seemed like an eternity. The anxiety started building up. Thankfully I have two very important women in my life who know how to talk to me and put my mind at ease, sometimes. This writing also helps, so I was really having doubts, maybe I should hold off for a semester, maybe its not the best time, but dammit, it hasn’t been the best time since 2014 when i graduated high school and dropped out my second year of college, so when the hell is it ever going to be a good time. I’ve always been so good at giving excuses to people, giving them a view at my completely absurd reasoning behind my dropouts from college. I now only came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe those excuses weren’t really for anybody,

but myself…

Funny thing is, even though my mind was having its brief moment of doubt, the passion in my heart had already bought my parking permit for the semester about an hour before…

So there’s no way I’m getting in the way of what the heart wants. Only a fool would go against his gut feeling and ambition to further progress himself with knowledge and prestige in life.