As I sit and wonder…

As I sit and ponder what might become of this beautiful suffering and delicate little pale blue dot, anxiety slowly creeps its way into my heart not letting me pump enough blood to the rest of my organs. It slows down my process of processing the inevitable fate that we all share. I’ve got so many questions that we all need answers to. Are we going to make it? Is our planet going to kill us all? What can I do? WHAT CAN I DO in a world full of negligent, uneducated, uncaring people who go on about their days feeling unaffected by the magnitude of such horrors which are bestowed upon them by not just themselves, but their own government and companies. Companies which own everything and run everything, companies which use you, trick you, lie to you, companies that spy on you, use your information, sell it, make money off of you, companies that pay the government to betray you and allow you to be a victim. WHAT CAN YOU DO? WHAT CAN I DO? WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ALONE. We’d never be able to stop it alone. Sitting in a room, reading about it, hearing it on the T.V. We cannot do ANYTHING but sit and watch it happen while others are out fighting for a planet that isn’t even ours or theirs. Fighting for the right to live, for the right to a home which is habitable not just to you or me, but by the millions and billions of living creatures that are rapidly disappearing into non existence because of our stupidity and greed as a life form. Its truly disgusting. If I could end humanity with the push of a button, to preserve it all, the forests, the oceans, the animals. I would kick the shit out of that button. I would do it without hesitation or questions. We don’t deserve any of this beauty and grace. And it doesn’t deserve what we’ve done to it. We are nothing but a plague. Parasites on a host. We’re the garbage, the experiment gone wrong. Humanity, is a cursed word. Humanity is death.

It’s crazy…

It is crazy to believe that 17 years ago, it was the year 2000, it is crazy to think that 20 years ago it was March 7, 1996, only 7 months from October. I just learned that there are fiber optic cables in our ocean floors connecting countries, making it possible to browse each others domains, and making it possible for me to write this on a screen by typing, and being able to push a publish button sharing it with millions of people. Of course it isn’t likely millions, not even thousands of people might see this considering I’m not a very Continue reading “It’s crazy…”

i.

It’s ringing loud. I can’t keep up with it, it’s so coarse to my internal listening. A question, I don’t seem to want to face.
Why don’t I call my father?

Do you think he’s better off without you?
Is it awkward?
Do you hold a grudge against him?
Is he a dead beat?
Does he love you?
Do you love him?

Not a good father figure?
Is he around in your life?
Who raised you.

————————
Why don’t I call my father?
I don’t know, I’ve got no clue

No, it isn’t awkward.
Let’s not make this into no mopey hymn

No, he isn’t.
Is he dead?
Of what, from dread-?
Why are you like that?
Full-ness? Until I finally grew?
Does he love you?
Do you love him?
Out of it, stay out of it.
Was he ever in your life?
Life is short, so they say.
Not a good father figure?
How you figure?
Is he around in your life?
Who raised you.
Im sorry, but who’s asking who?

School..

I was faced with a difficult decision tonight, today was my second class, and it went pretty smoothly considering it was related to my passion: Photography. (Which I still don’t believe I’m good at even though people tell me otherwise)

Tonight when I got home I realized that one of the eBooks I had purchased for my C.I.S. class actually did not come included with an access code for online work that is related to my course. Naturally, I started freaking out thinking FUCK, there goes $60 down the drain. Luckily Amazon.com provides full refunds of rented eBooks 7 days from the purchase date, but I had a hell of a hard time trying to return that damned book, for one, amazon says its refundable, yet when I go to manage my digital orders, there is no sign of a “refund/return.” So being the little researcher I am, I googled, searched their forum’s and sure enough, other people had the same problems, so I went through a hell of a lot to just return the damn thing, by chatting online with a representative. Anyways she was very helpful, but Amazon, come on, its almost like you want us to get stuck with eBooks and make a profit off of unsuspecting computer illiterate victims.

So after that and having come to the realization that “Access Codes” as referred to by these institutions we pay money to, so that they can teach us how to do things we can easily learn on YouTube or on any other part of the internet FOR FREE, JUST SO WE CAN GET A PIECE OF PAPER OR CERTIFICATE THAT QUALIFIES US TO BE SOMEBODY WITHIN SOCIETY, are only accessible from new unused books with unused access codes….

…thaaaaats when the stress started really kicking me in the nads. I’d be spending nearly $500 in total on all three classes, just for books, FOR BOOKS. That’s not including transportation costs, an extra materials the class might require surprisingly. It was all just starting to really get to me for a quick 10 minutes that seemed like an eternity. The anxiety started building up. Thankfully I have two very important women in my life who know how to talk to me and put my mind at ease, sometimes. This writing also helps, so I was really having doubts, maybe I should hold off for a semester, maybe its not the best time, but dammit, it hasn’t been the best time since 2014 when i graduated high school and dropped out my second year of college, so when the hell is it ever going to be a good time. I’ve always been so good at giving excuses to people, giving them a view at my completely absurd reasoning behind my dropouts from college. I now only came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe those excuses weren’t really for anybody,

but myself…

Funny thing is, even though my mind was having its brief moment of doubt, the passion in my heart had already bought my parking permit for the semester about an hour before…

So there’s no way I’m getting in the way of what the heart wants. Only a fool would go against his gut feeling and ambition to further progress himself with knowledge and prestige in life.

 

Early Spring Cleaning

I recently moved homes due to our previous landlord who was so bent over selling the house my family and I were living at. Sadly for her, the price she was asking for was just absurd for the house…it needs wayyyyyy tooo much work done.

So, for the past month I’ve been settling in my little shack; I call it a shack because that is exactly what it is, well, it was a garage that my uncle and I completely made into a livable room that’s detached from the house. I can’t believe this room actually looks decent now with all the hard work we put into it. Anyways, a month into our move and we still have so much clutter and junk that we need to store away or throw away, whatever comes first. Sure the nights get cold, and the days get hot in this little shack of mine, but it sure beats sleeping in the car. I just hope this year brings on many blessings for me and my family to make some big progress and work on finally owning our own home instead of renting.

I did a lot of cleaning up and moving boxes in my room today, I know its not spring just yet, but it sure feels like it.

I’m off to read my current book, A Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe.

Goodnight fellow browsers.

(Here’s an image of what the shack looked like midway of construction, trust me, it was worse. It doesn’t look like this now, it actually has painted walls and carpeting, all that is needed now is furnishing and decor. Then maybe it’ll finally feel like home.)

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First day of Classes / Nostalgic Night

So, here I am, 1:11 in the morning typing this out, trying to piece my future together in my thoughts. Yesterday, was the first day of my spring semester classes. Well I only had one class which had to do with computers. Boring, I know. Nerdy too, but since I came out of the womb I have always just been so better attuned with technology than most. It just clicks with me. I can easily find my way around a computer and when I can’t I google it, or YouTube it, simple as that. That’s something that has always astonished me, the simple fact that when people get stuck, and don’t know what to do, whether its computers, puzzles, video games, car problems, cooking, LITERALLY anything, and they don’t have enough common sense to just GOOGLE it. We have this abundant amount of information at our fingertips, yet we clearly don’t know how to take advantage of it. There are millions of people who have had, or are having the same problem as you, all it takes is a quick search and you’ve found yourself several possible solutions.

But I digress, my first day of CIS (computer information systems) was a pretty okay experience, I can already tell, I’m going to be doing a lot of reviewing of what I already have a general grasp of knowledge on.

Hurrah for prerequisites that completely screw with your advancement in classes! Am I right?

Anyways, coming home, I decided to go through some old files, I have saved in an external hard drive. Videos of family about a year ago, damn how shit changes. People grow, grow apart, or just get busy. I love every one of them, and I only hope to see all of my families dreams become a reality, and for them to know true happiness. I looked at the video I took while I was in San Francisco for my 20th birthday. That weekend was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Being away, in an unknown city, with the closest people I’ve grown with, and my current girlfriend, there’s something about being so far away from home, and the daily stresses you face, it’s….well its so liberating you almost wish you’d never have to come back to your daily routines. One of my biggest goals is to travel.

So that’s what I plan to do. Travel.

Welcome to my life!

Hello everyone! As you can tell, I’ve decided to create my own website, full of my photography work, writings, rants, and pretty much anything you could possibly think of.

I do not know how often I will be posting on here, as I can’t really find the time for anything these days, with school, work, and moving homes all happening within a small amount of time, the stress can really build up. Continue reading “Welcome to my life!”